Reflections on Spiritual Growth

February 14th, 2011

My mom just had surgery to remove a cancerous tumor. It was evening, and after waiting a few hours, I was able to go see her at the hospital.

She laid there and kept dozing in and out of sleep, and was quite unresponsive. I held her hand, and tried talking to her a bit, but it proved to be difficult to communicate with her. I didn't know she would be this out of it after her surgery, and I was taken back by the sight of her. The eyes that once appeared spirited and held much joy, were now groggy and glazed over.

I can't remember a time more prominent than that that I ached more for my mom. She wasn't herself, and I wanted so badly for her to come back to full consciousness.

Each time she spoke, I listened more carefully to each word. I made sure to keep tabs on her progress as she was coming back to herself more and more.

From this experience, I realized just how much I had taken her for granted...when for a period of time she was not there to tend to my needs, and sometimes my wants.
I cried by her bedside, and I remember she gave her best effort to tell me not to cry, and that she will be okay.

It reminds me of the times in my life that I have felt God withdraw himself from me. I remember on a couple of occasions I felt this happen, and I couldn't feel Him there. I remember during those times, I spent on my knees pleading for Him. I confessed every sin I could think of, I made right any wrongs I might have committed, searched the scriptures for comfort and prayed in desperation. I felt so empty during those times...

But now I realize that due to those times, God had brought me further in my sanctification. I started to hate sin more and more because of the separation from God that I felt when I committed them.

Through those trails, and through that brokenness and separation I felt, I was brought closer to God.

In the same way, when I felt my mom was no longer there, I wanted her more desperately.

Therefore now, my relationship to both God and my mom is sweeter.


Soli Deo Gloria

-April