An Adventure

I had a much needed time of peace and contemplation, as I sat by the river and tossed rocks. Weary and heavy-laden was I, but rest was offered me, and took it I did. I rose from my sadness, and looked about me. The leaves started to depart from the trees, and float gently on the surface of the rippling water. It was time to live, to breathe, and not to worry any longer.
I mounted my cheap red Huffy mountain bike, and breezed down the path along the river. I stood on my petals, and flew down a path yellowed by many tiny yellow leaves scattered, as the wind whipped through my hair.
I weaved my way around the streets and sidewalks, around the old brick buildings, and parked my bike against a Victorian style lamp post.

I strolled up to an antique store, and upon coming inside, felt almost immediate tension as a man with a dark complexion observed me. He greeted me hesitantly, and after I had returned a greeting, I made my way towards the back of the store, feeling his eyes on my back.
I thought to myself it might not be very often for a young gal to stroll on into an antique store by herself, and suspicion might have been raised. Often I had wondered to myself if there were any other gals who were as fascinated by those kinds of things.
I wandered to the back of the store to some book shelves. I browsed through the worn and vintage looking spines, and picked up “The Book of Common Prayer” and flipped through it. I read one of the morning prayers, and in my peripherals saw something moving along the ground. I turned to my right, and on the ground was an old pug staring up at me with glazed over eyes, and saw the same man who welcomed me into the store standing off to the side, attempting to look natural and that he wasn’t watching my every move. The pug slinked up beside me, and then wandered around me, and I pretended I didn’t acknowledge him.
I replaced the book, and sauntered through the rest of the store, observing the neat objects around me, and occasionally I glanced into a reflection of a melancholy face, with a tender and deep look in her eyes.

I still felt the tension in the air, and being the only customer in the store, felt I had the clerk’s undivided attention. I made way for the exit, and with the most enthusiasm I could muster bid the clerk a good day.
I walked over to the next antique store, and upon entering I was greeted by a man’s voice, but not his eyes. I returned the greeting, and left him to stare at his computer screen.

I let my imagination take me to those times where that sofa would have sat in one’s living room where they would have pleasant and sophisticated conversation, and to the time a charming man would have been talking in the receiver of the phone with a spin dial.
I explored the store, with a bit of a musty smell all about me. The floor under me creaked and croaked, some spots on the floor more than others, and I listened to the faint and slightly eerie classical music playing as I explored my way through.

My imagination and eyes were satisfied, so I bid the man a good day, and made my way back onto the streets. Cars whizzed by as I crossed over a bridge. I took in the beauty of the crashing waterfalls to the left of me. I sighed happily, as I maneuvered my bike through the city streets. I thought to myself, “A well-lived adventure it was” as I flew, and made the gears on my bike go as fast as my legs would push them to go.

Reflections on Spiritual Growth

February 14th, 2011

My mom just had surgery to remove a cancerous tumor. It was evening, and after waiting a few hours, I was able to go see her at the hospital.

She laid there and kept dozing in and out of sleep, and was quite unresponsive. I held her hand, and tried talking to her a bit, but it proved to be difficult to communicate with her. I didn't know she would be this out of it after her surgery, and I was taken back by the sight of her. The eyes that once appeared spirited and held much joy, were now groggy and glazed over.

I can't remember a time more prominent than that that I ached more for my mom. She wasn't herself, and I wanted so badly for her to come back to full consciousness.

Each time she spoke, I listened more carefully to each word. I made sure to keep tabs on her progress as she was coming back to herself more and more.

From this experience, I realized just how much I had taken her for granted...when for a period of time she was not there to tend to my needs, and sometimes my wants.
I cried by her bedside, and I remember she gave her best effort to tell me not to cry, and that she will be okay.

It reminds me of the times in my life that I have felt God withdraw himself from me. I remember on a couple of occasions I felt this happen, and I couldn't feel Him there. I remember during those times, I spent on my knees pleading for Him. I confessed every sin I could think of, I made right any wrongs I might have committed, searched the scriptures for comfort and prayed in desperation. I felt so empty during those times...

But now I realize that due to those times, God had brought me further in my sanctification. I started to hate sin more and more because of the separation from God that I felt when I committed them.

Through those trails, and through that brokenness and separation I felt, I was brought closer to God.

In the same way, when I felt my mom was no longer there, I wanted her more desperately.

Therefore now, my relationship to both God and my mom is sweeter.


Soli Deo Gloria

-April

The Biggest Step

Yesterday, I discovered that I will be taking the biggest step of faith I've probably ever taken in life with going into this first semester of school.

I have not taken out a loan, and practically drained my bank account.

I didn't expect things were going to happen this way, and it was a bit hard for me to accept that this is what God wanted me to do, because I was so anxious about it....but I know this is what He wants.

Before, I felt I had so much to fall back on, and as a result, I was reckless with my money. I should have had a lot more saved up than I did.

But I have committed my life to following God's will for my life where ever He takes me. In whatever time, place, or circumstance, I am trusting He will bring me through it.

I can officially say I am poor....but through that, I will be made so much richer.

I am leaving behind my job that I was so secure in, and I always had bonuses thrown at me that I didn't expect...but because of that, I did not deal with my money wisely.

Though it was a daunting thing to me at first, now I realize that this is going to be such a blessing for me in my life. I will learn more about dealing with my money through these circumstances than I probably ever would in any financial class. God has given me an opportunity to put my trust in Him...and He's going to work through this circumstance of mine for my spiritual growth. In that, I am grateful.

I echo the two words I've been hearing all week at VBS....."Trust God!"

Two Weeks

I leave for school in two weeks...and it has proved to be more of a painful thing than I imagined.

When I left for Ecuador, it was the longest I had been away from home (Ten weeks), but I was excited and anxious more than anything. I knew that God was sending me on a life-changing adventure, and that was so exciting to me.

That doesn't even compare to leaving this fall though. I stopped counting down the days a couple of days ago...but today people reminded me I had two weeks left. I feel like a huge part of my life is being removed from me. Everything and everyone I grew up with, and everything I've made of my life here in Kansas.

I've always been more excited than anything when I've felt God was sending me somewhere. I know God is sending me to Moody Bible Institute. I remember being in anticipation of my acceptance letter, and feeling like I wasn't going to be accepted. I cried out to God from the depths of my soul, "Why wouldn't you send me there Lord!? I want to go so that I can serve You! Why wouldn't you want me to serve you??"  And when I got that acceptance letter, I had so much joy well up in me that I couldn't express.

I didn't know that two weeks from my departure to Washington, I would feel such incredibly deep sorrow. I feel like everything around me the past nineteen years is coming to an end, and that I'm going to go and live a totally different life.

Oh Lord...God. I am going to Moody in order to serve You. Comfort me and be with me at this time. Lord, help me to know my home is not in Kansas or in Spokane...but it is where I will be with You to serve You for eternity...

Oh, it's magic!

The 4th of July has brought back memories from my childhood. It's one of those days of the year that I look back on, and see how gradually I've seemed to anticipate it less and less. Sometimes I am sad about this reality, but if I look deeper at why this is, I don't mind it as much.

As a kid I remember my siblings and I being so excited to shoot off fire crackers. To blow up some of our toys, and be daring pyro's with the fire crackers (Which led to them exploding in our hands sometimes). We would whine at the fact that it wasn't legal to shoot them off until the 3rd of July, and when the 3rd finally came, we got up early in the morning in anticipation, and waited for our parents to tell us when we could go ahead and go outside to shoot off our firecrackers.

I remembering being so excited for night time to come on the 4th of July, where I would stare at the sky in absolute awe. We had fun little traditions, like shooting out the street light with roman candles. I would get so excited when it came to my turn to light off one of the big fireworks.

Things like fireworks were so magical to me as a kid...and they enticed me. I think it's because I didn't understand how lighting a fuze could produce so many different outcomes. Not understanding them added to the wonder of them.

As I started to get older, the butterflies I would feel in my stomach that made me so excited became something that would make me feel sick, so I always tried to keep my mind off of things so as not to get so excited about them that it would make me sick. Also, at times when I was so excited for something, and it didn't end up getting fulfilled, I would get severely disappointed.

Over the years, I believe I've been gaining more joy from experiences in my life rather than mere happiness. Fireworks make me happy. Maybe not to the same extent as they did when I was a kid, but I believe it's because my passions and desires have been rooted deeper into things more meaningful. Things that I have gotten so excited and upset over as a child I have enjoyed (though not nearly as much as I use to) without much disappointment.

My passions have shifted onto more meaningful things that bring me great joy that overflows. They are joys I wasn't able to feel as a child. I look upon the Cross in awe and wonder I had as a child, but also with joy. The work of Christ on Calvary isn't something we can fully grasp (like we can grasp the concept of fireworks)...but that's what adds to the wonder of it.

I thank my Lord for the times I can look back on my childhood, and all the wonderful memories of excitement towards things like the 4th of July. I use to look back on it and wish I could go back to the same perspective I had as a kid, until I realize that I am in the same kind of awe and wonder of the things of Christ that aren't mere magical feelings...but also has it's roots in joy and in love.

My Calling

When I was a kid, I remember one of the first times I heard about missionaries, and some of the things they do. I remember trying to imagine myself submitting my life to full time service to God. It seemed like there was so much to sacrifice. I remember feeling so daunted just considering doing such a thing.

It wasn't until I went on a mission trip to Chile in 2007 that I felt God starting to call me to missions. I started to realize just how ignorant I was in thinking I would be making a huge sacrifice to become a missionary.
That was the first time I had lived in humble circumstances...there in Chile.

It was winter time, and I only got three showers the whole trip (The trip was ten days long) and only one of them were hot showers; I slept on an inflatable pool mattress on a cold, concrete floor, and I was cold every night; I never felt like I got enough sleep, and it seemed like every day we woke up earlier and earlier; I was sick almost constantly each day; and I felt alone, and even neglected by others in my youth group.

Through all the hard things I was going through, God was starting to reveal to me His calling for my life, and the joys of being in missions.

I remember making great friends with some of the Chilean's, and one of them didn't speak any english...neither did I speak any Spanish. We still became great friends. Through our body language, we knew what each other was saying.

Me and the kids in my youth group were able to make awesome friendships within their church.

Also, we were able to see beautiful, breath-taking sights of Chile that were so beautiful to behold. 

But the biggest blessing I received was that I heard from God about what He was calling me to in my life.
There was a night where our youth pastor was telling each of us to ask God what He wants us to do in our lives for our service to Him.
 The next day, we were picked up by our bus that took us to our work site. I was shivering in my seat, and studied the fog collected on the window from my breath.

That was the scene where I first received my calling. For a while I tried to discard what happened to me on that bus, but each year that has gone by after it has furthered my desire for missions, and has become a great burden on my heart.

I am also realizing more and more how incredibly blessed I am with this calling. What could be more fulfilling than being apart of God's plan to seek the lost sheep and bring them to Him!? And how could I think it such a huge sacrifice to pursue this calling, when there is so much more to gain, that what I would "lose" seems so insignificant in comparison? Oh dear Lord! How greatly blessed I am that You've placed in me this desire! There is no way to explain this yearning in my heart outside of what God has done in my heart.

In light of all this, how comforting it is to me that God has verses that are specifically for me, and anyone else with a similar calling.

 "And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or lands, for my name's sake, will receive a hundredfold and will inherit eternal life."

Matthew 19:29


To anyone who is starting to pursue their passion for missions, or is considering it: I am so thankful for this calling, but I've already received a bit of flak for pursuing a degree that is not of any worth in the eyes of the world. Know that that's one of the things to expect....but that's one of the ways we know that it's God's will for our lives, so be encouraged rather than discouraged!



Thank you for this calling, dear Lord!

 

The bus where it all began

"What is Foolish in the World"

The chapters of my life have been unfolding into a wonderful story.
It has been like a book, that I've come to read in the middle of it...not picking up the context it's in, and none of the unfolding events were making much sense to me. Gradually I've been able to flip back some pages, and those first pages have brought to light some of what I've already read....they've given me some "Aha!" moments.
There are so many things that could come of some of the later pages, but what I've read already has kept getting more and more exciting.

Never would I have thought to be at the place in life I am now, years ago as a depressed, lonely, self-loathing, suicidal, filthy-mouthed rebel.

It is to the point that if anyone were to get a true look of my life, they couldn't deny God was the one who brought me through each situation, and is continuing to work His will in my life in every area.

How undeserving I am of this!

 For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are,  so that no human being might boast in the presence of God.

1 Corinthians 1:26-29