The Weight of Joy

Today, I started reading Surprised by Joy by C.S. Lewis. It was so refreshing to begin after testing the waters with reading Huxley's disturbing Brave New World. The images being impressed on my mind were those of horrific proportions and shook me to the bone. I put it down and plunged into this autobiography of Lewis to find impressions on my mind of a very dramatically opposite nature. I will type out my train of thought here I wrote in my journal that was ignited after reading only the first couple of chapters. Some of the things I wrote were seemingly unconnected, being that I may have skipped over some of the "train cars" if you will, that led me to think each separate thought. I have also read the famous sermon also by Lewis, "The Weight of Glory" which leaves its traces in my memory and comes out in this journal entry.

"I am currently reading 'Surprised by Joy' by C.S. Lewis, and it is causing me to reflect upon my own life and think certain thoughts. He speaks of joy as those brief moments in time that disappear just as quickly as they appear. It can't be brought on when you intend to feel it, such as you can with pleasure, but once you feel it, you strive for more of it.

(In the next paragraph I went on reflecting on some deep emotions that I have bottled up here and there of a major change that came about in my family that has, and still does deeply affect me. I won't address exactly what it was, but I brought this up because of the joy I still feel in small bursts when I think about how our family use to be, and things we use to do together when I was a child. I will say that it has caused me such pain that I have had to distract myself from it and attempt to detach myself from it due to the pain it causes me.)

I feel that deep inside each one of us, this sort of longing exists...that longing for what once was; Namely, when we were young and without our own actual propensities to sin, and when each thing in our lives seemed new and magical. We try to rid of this pain we have from our lives coming short of the rapture we use to feel in life by distracting ourselves and numbing our senses so that we cannot hear the voice inside of us that's begging for significance in our lives. We numb it because we want instant gratification for that longing deep inside, and therefore resort to lesser things. We cannot bear the pain we get from letting go of those tedious, disgusting pleasures we indulge in. But we also do not want to face the truth that whatever we are holding with a firm, obstinate grip in our lives is the very thing we are living for. Yet still, some unashamedly admit to the world that that comparably tedious thing is worth their entire lives. The only conclusion I can come to in those instances is that they have justified themselves, compared themselves to others, and so numbed that deep inner conviction that they see what they live for as worthwhile.

My knowledge of these things is the reason why I have become disgusted at the way I've seen society develop: I see everywhere these gross, obvious attempts for society to put as many distractions and mind numbing mechanisms everywhere--Whether it's through television, any sort of portable technology like smartphones or tablets, alcohol, sex, secular music, social networks, and even seemingly more innocent things such as exercising (in excess). All these distractions to take you away from your innermost thoughts and emotions.

When it comes down to it, everyone is scared of being absolutely alone and left in the silence...because that is when you start to hear a haunting, convicting voice you so desperately try to crawl away from. The voice that tells you that there's more to life than what you're indulging in."

Adventure Plan

My thirst for adventure has resurfaced.... and this time I'm thinking...


Leavenworth, KS adventure!

Adventure Ideas:

• Carroll Mansion - Tuesdays-Saturdays 10:30am-4:30pm
  
  -$5 Admission
  -Advised to call ahead
  -1 hour tour
  
   
•  Sis' Sweets Cookies  and Cafe - Monday -Friday8:00 am - 5:00 pm

•  3-Mile Trail-begins at the southern end of Leavenworth Landing Park (Esplanade &
  cherokee Sts.) ending at Haymarket Square at 7th & Cherokee Sts.   
• First City Museum
  
  
  More to come...
  
  
  

An Adventure

I had a much needed time of peace and contemplation, as I sat by the river and tossed rocks. Weary and heavy-laden was I, but rest was offered me, and took it I did. I rose from my sadness, and looked about me. The leaves started to depart from the trees, and float gently on the surface of the rippling water. It was time to live, to breathe, and not to worry any longer.
I mounted my cheap red Huffy mountain bike, and breezed down the path along the river. I stood on my petals, and flew down a path yellowed by many tiny yellow leaves scattered, as the wind whipped through my hair.
I weaved my way around the streets and sidewalks, around the old brick buildings, and parked my bike against a Victorian style lamp post.

I strolled up to an antique store, and upon coming inside, felt almost immediate tension as a man with a dark complexion observed me. He greeted me hesitantly, and after I had returned a greeting, I made my way towards the back of the store, feeling his eyes on my back.
I thought to myself it might not be very often for a young gal to stroll on into an antique store by herself, and suspicion might have been raised. Often I had wondered to myself if there were any other gals who were as fascinated by those kinds of things.
I wandered to the back of the store to some book shelves. I browsed through the worn and vintage looking spines, and picked up “The Book of Common Prayer” and flipped through it. I read one of the morning prayers, and in my peripherals saw something moving along the ground. I turned to my right, and on the ground was an old pug staring up at me with glazed over eyes, and saw the same man who welcomed me into the store standing off to the side, attempting to look natural and that he wasn’t watching my every move. The pug slinked up beside me, and then wandered around me, and I pretended I didn’t acknowledge him.
I replaced the book, and sauntered through the rest of the store, observing the neat objects around me, and occasionally I glanced into a reflection of a melancholy face, with a tender and deep look in her eyes.

I still felt the tension in the air, and being the only customer in the store, felt I had the clerk’s undivided attention. I made way for the exit, and with the most enthusiasm I could muster bid the clerk a good day.
I walked over to the next antique store, and upon entering I was greeted by a man’s voice, but not his eyes. I returned the greeting, and left him to stare at his computer screen.

I let my imagination take me to those times where that sofa would have sat in one’s living room where they would have pleasant and sophisticated conversation, and to the time a charming man would have been talking in the receiver of the phone with a spin dial.
I explored the store, with a bit of a musty smell all about me. The floor under me creaked and croaked, some spots on the floor more than others, and I listened to the faint and slightly eerie classical music playing as I explored my way through.

My imagination and eyes were satisfied, so I bid the man a good day, and made my way back onto the streets. Cars whizzed by as I crossed over a bridge. I took in the beauty of the crashing waterfalls to the left of me. I sighed happily, as I maneuvered my bike through the city streets. I thought to myself, “A well-lived adventure it was” as I flew, and made the gears on my bike go as fast as my legs would push them to go.

Reflections on Spiritual Growth

February 14th, 2011

My mom just had surgery to remove a cancerous tumor. It was evening, and after waiting a few hours, I was able to go see her at the hospital.

She laid there and kept dozing in and out of sleep, and was quite unresponsive. I held her hand, and tried talking to her a bit, but it proved to be difficult to communicate with her. I didn't know she would be this out of it after her surgery, and I was taken back by the sight of her. The eyes that once appeared spirited and held much joy, were now groggy and glazed over.

I can't remember a time more prominent than that that I ached more for my mom. She wasn't herself, and I wanted so badly for her to come back to full consciousness.

Each time she spoke, I listened more carefully to each word. I made sure to keep tabs on her progress as she was coming back to herself more and more.

From this experience, I realized just how much I had taken her for granted...when for a period of time she was not there to tend to my needs, and sometimes my wants.
I cried by her bedside, and I remember she gave her best effort to tell me not to cry, and that she will be okay.

It reminds me of the times in my life that I have felt God withdraw himself from me. I remember on a couple of occasions I felt this happen, and I couldn't feel Him there. I remember during those times, I spent on my knees pleading for Him. I confessed every sin I could think of, I made right any wrongs I might have committed, searched the scriptures for comfort and prayed in desperation. I felt so empty during those times...

But now I realize that due to those times, God had brought me further in my sanctification. I started to hate sin more and more because of the separation from God that I felt when I committed them.

Through those trails, and through that brokenness and separation I felt, I was brought closer to God.

In the same way, when I felt my mom was no longer there, I wanted her more desperately.

Therefore now, my relationship to both God and my mom is sweeter.


Soli Deo Gloria

-April

The Biggest Step

Yesterday, I discovered that I will be taking the biggest step of faith I've probably ever taken in life with going into this first semester of school.

I have not taken out a loan, and practically drained my bank account.

I didn't expect things were going to happen this way, and it was a bit hard for me to accept that this is what God wanted me to do, because I was so anxious about it....but I know this is what He wants.

Before, I felt I had so much to fall back on, and as a result, I was reckless with my money. I should have had a lot more saved up than I did.

But I have committed my life to following God's will for my life where ever He takes me. In whatever time, place, or circumstance, I am trusting He will bring me through it.

I can officially say I am poor....but through that, I will be made so much richer.

I am leaving behind my job that I was so secure in, and I always had bonuses thrown at me that I didn't expect...but because of that, I did not deal with my money wisely.

Though it was a daunting thing to me at first, now I realize that this is going to be such a blessing for me in my life. I will learn more about dealing with my money through these circumstances than I probably ever would in any financial class. God has given me an opportunity to put my trust in Him...and He's going to work through this circumstance of mine for my spiritual growth. In that, I am grateful.

I echo the two words I've been hearing all week at VBS....."Trust God!"

Two Weeks

I leave for school in two weeks...and it has proved to be more of a painful thing than I imagined.

When I left for Ecuador, it was the longest I had been away from home (Ten weeks), but I was excited and anxious more than anything. I knew that God was sending me on a life-changing adventure, and that was so exciting to me.

That doesn't even compare to leaving this fall though. I stopped counting down the days a couple of days ago...but today people reminded me I had two weeks left. I feel like a huge part of my life is being removed from me. Everything and everyone I grew up with, and everything I've made of my life here in Kansas.

I've always been more excited than anything when I've felt God was sending me somewhere. I know God is sending me to Moody Bible Institute. I remember being in anticipation of my acceptance letter, and feeling like I wasn't going to be accepted. I cried out to God from the depths of my soul, "Why wouldn't you send me there Lord!? I want to go so that I can serve You! Why wouldn't you want me to serve you??"  And when I got that acceptance letter, I had so much joy well up in me that I couldn't express.

I didn't know that two weeks from my departure to Washington, I would feel such incredibly deep sorrow. I feel like everything around me the past nineteen years is coming to an end, and that I'm going to go and live a totally different life.

Oh Lord...God. I am going to Moody in order to serve You. Comfort me and be with me at this time. Lord, help me to know my home is not in Kansas or in Spokane...but it is where I will be with You to serve You for eternity...

Oh, it's magic!

The 4th of July has brought back memories from my childhood. It's one of those days of the year that I look back on, and see how gradually I've seemed to anticipate it less and less. Sometimes I am sad about this reality, but if I look deeper at why this is, I don't mind it as much.

As a kid I remember my siblings and I being so excited to shoot off fire crackers. To blow up some of our toys, and be daring pyro's with the fire crackers (Which led to them exploding in our hands sometimes). We would whine at the fact that it wasn't legal to shoot them off until the 3rd of July, and when the 3rd finally came, we got up early in the morning in anticipation, and waited for our parents to tell us when we could go ahead and go outside to shoot off our firecrackers.

I remembering being so excited for night time to come on the 4th of July, where I would stare at the sky in absolute awe. We had fun little traditions, like shooting out the street light with roman candles. I would get so excited when it came to my turn to light off one of the big fireworks.

Things like fireworks were so magical to me as a kid...and they enticed me. I think it's because I didn't understand how lighting a fuze could produce so many different outcomes. Not understanding them added to the wonder of them.

As I started to get older, the butterflies I would feel in my stomach that made me so excited became something that would make me feel sick, so I always tried to keep my mind off of things so as not to get so excited about them that it would make me sick. Also, at times when I was so excited for something, and it didn't end up getting fulfilled, I would get severely disappointed.

Over the years, I believe I've been gaining more joy from experiences in my life rather than mere happiness. Fireworks make me happy. Maybe not to the same extent as they did when I was a kid, but I believe it's because my passions and desires have been rooted deeper into things more meaningful. Things that I have gotten so excited and upset over as a child I have enjoyed (though not nearly as much as I use to) without much disappointment.

My passions have shifted onto more meaningful things that bring me great joy that overflows. They are joys I wasn't able to feel as a child. I look upon the Cross in awe and wonder I had as a child, but also with joy. The work of Christ on Calvary isn't something we can fully grasp (like we can grasp the concept of fireworks)...but that's what adds to the wonder of it.

I thank my Lord for the times I can look back on my childhood, and all the wonderful memories of excitement towards things like the 4th of July. I use to look back on it and wish I could go back to the same perspective I had as a kid, until I realize that I am in the same kind of awe and wonder of the things of Christ that aren't mere magical feelings...but also has it's roots in joy and in love.