The Biggest Step

Yesterday, I discovered that I will be taking the biggest step of faith I've probably ever taken in life with going into this first semester of school.

I have not taken out a loan, and practically drained my bank account.

I didn't expect things were going to happen this way, and it was a bit hard for me to accept that this is what God wanted me to do, because I was so anxious about it....but I know this is what He wants.

Before, I felt I had so much to fall back on, and as a result, I was reckless with my money. I should have had a lot more saved up than I did.

But I have committed my life to following God's will for my life where ever He takes me. In whatever time, place, or circumstance, I am trusting He will bring me through it.

I can officially say I am poor....but through that, I will be made so much richer.

I am leaving behind my job that I was so secure in, and I always had bonuses thrown at me that I didn't expect...but because of that, I did not deal with my money wisely.

Though it was a daunting thing to me at first, now I realize that this is going to be such a blessing for me in my life. I will learn more about dealing with my money through these circumstances than I probably ever would in any financial class. God has given me an opportunity to put my trust in Him...and He's going to work through this circumstance of mine for my spiritual growth. In that, I am grateful.

I echo the two words I've been hearing all week at VBS....."Trust God!"

Two Weeks

I leave for school in two weeks...and it has proved to be more of a painful thing than I imagined.

When I left for Ecuador, it was the longest I had been away from home (Ten weeks), but I was excited and anxious more than anything. I knew that God was sending me on a life-changing adventure, and that was so exciting to me.

That doesn't even compare to leaving this fall though. I stopped counting down the days a couple of days ago...but today people reminded me I had two weeks left. I feel like a huge part of my life is being removed from me. Everything and everyone I grew up with, and everything I've made of my life here in Kansas.

I've always been more excited than anything when I've felt God was sending me somewhere. I know God is sending me to Moody Bible Institute. I remember being in anticipation of my acceptance letter, and feeling like I wasn't going to be accepted. I cried out to God from the depths of my soul, "Why wouldn't you send me there Lord!? I want to go so that I can serve You! Why wouldn't you want me to serve you??"  And when I got that acceptance letter, I had so much joy well up in me that I couldn't express.

I didn't know that two weeks from my departure to Washington, I would feel such incredibly deep sorrow. I feel like everything around me the past nineteen years is coming to an end, and that I'm going to go and live a totally different life.

Oh Lord...God. I am going to Moody in order to serve You. Comfort me and be with me at this time. Lord, help me to know my home is not in Kansas or in Spokane...but it is where I will be with You to serve You for eternity...

Oh, it's magic!

The 4th of July has brought back memories from my childhood. It's one of those days of the year that I look back on, and see how gradually I've seemed to anticipate it less and less. Sometimes I am sad about this reality, but if I look deeper at why this is, I don't mind it as much.

As a kid I remember my siblings and I being so excited to shoot off fire crackers. To blow up some of our toys, and be daring pyro's with the fire crackers (Which led to them exploding in our hands sometimes). We would whine at the fact that it wasn't legal to shoot them off until the 3rd of July, and when the 3rd finally came, we got up early in the morning in anticipation, and waited for our parents to tell us when we could go ahead and go outside to shoot off our firecrackers.

I remembering being so excited for night time to come on the 4th of July, where I would stare at the sky in absolute awe. We had fun little traditions, like shooting out the street light with roman candles. I would get so excited when it came to my turn to light off one of the big fireworks.

Things like fireworks were so magical to me as a kid...and they enticed me. I think it's because I didn't understand how lighting a fuze could produce so many different outcomes. Not understanding them added to the wonder of them.

As I started to get older, the butterflies I would feel in my stomach that made me so excited became something that would make me feel sick, so I always tried to keep my mind off of things so as not to get so excited about them that it would make me sick. Also, at times when I was so excited for something, and it didn't end up getting fulfilled, I would get severely disappointed.

Over the years, I believe I've been gaining more joy from experiences in my life rather than mere happiness. Fireworks make me happy. Maybe not to the same extent as they did when I was a kid, but I believe it's because my passions and desires have been rooted deeper into things more meaningful. Things that I have gotten so excited and upset over as a child I have enjoyed (though not nearly as much as I use to) without much disappointment.

My passions have shifted onto more meaningful things that bring me great joy that overflows. They are joys I wasn't able to feel as a child. I look upon the Cross in awe and wonder I had as a child, but also with joy. The work of Christ on Calvary isn't something we can fully grasp (like we can grasp the concept of fireworks)...but that's what adds to the wonder of it.

I thank my Lord for the times I can look back on my childhood, and all the wonderful memories of excitement towards things like the 4th of July. I use to look back on it and wish I could go back to the same perspective I had as a kid, until I realize that I am in the same kind of awe and wonder of the things of Christ that aren't mere magical feelings...but also has it's roots in joy and in love.