Romanticize.

That's a word that's been in my head recently
....Romanticize.


I feel like all my life I've romanticized things about my life. It doesn't help when you have a mom that does it so much and sort of placed all these romantic ideas in my head growing up. But in a way I like this sort of romantic way I view my life.

I mean that I view my life as a story...and whenever certain things in my life unfold, I imagine the outcome of them to be something out of a book or a movie. Sometimes that's the way it works out, and as a result I end up feeling either surprisingly disappointed with it, or quite the opposite.

Sometimes I am pleasantly surprised with those ideas becoming reality, and the feelings I get are of overwhelming happiness and joy. Some of the time, I've even had this weird sort of feeling like my current reality wasn't real, because I have passed the point of being able to even imagine certain things or comprehend them in my mind.

But sometimes I realize that the way I play back things in my head isn't ever the same when it becomes reality.
It would seem I couldn't get disappointed with something becoming my reality that I've imagined the greatest possible outcome to, but that is the case a lot of the time. Sometimes I think it could be the result of dwelling on it so much that I am not surprised when it actually comes true....or maybe it's because when those things do unfold into reality, they don't seem the way I imagined they would.

It seems I can't ever get my head out of the clouds with all these ideas of mine..and some days I haven't been satisfied with my current story, namely my life. I need to adventure...I want my story to excite me each day. I want to get further into the plot.

I want someone to share my story with....

My Eccentricities

Unfortunately, there are many things about me that I am annoyed with every day...but also, these things have led me to live in a very different manner every day. I guess I wanted to bring these things out in the open for some that may giggle from it, some may understand better why I do certain weird things, and some may be relieved to know that I am aware of these things about myself, and know I am more annoyed with these things than they, because I have to live with them every day.



1. I can't ever take short-cuts, cheat on something, or do things the beginner way and ever take pride in those things.

For instance, I have a violin I like to mess around on every now and then, although I can't even read notes and really don't know anything about violins...but I can't seem to keep the beginner fingering tape on it. I've put it on and taken it off probably about three times now, because I think I do well enough with playing my little "Amazing Grace" tune...but to me, I'm not really playing it unless that fingering tape is off that shows me where to play. I'm not satisfied with my "tune"...but at the same time, I want to teach myself how to play the notes right. So thus the, "To tape, or not to tape" war has not ended, and probably won't end anytime soon. That's just one example out of many, many things I apply that to.


2. I do not like florescent lighting

My room is always dimly lit by three lamps, all with incandescent light bulbs.
(except for one of them, and I don't like having to turn it on...) and it infuriates me when someone turns on the main lights in the room since they're too bright and florescent.


3. When I want something (materially), I get it.

This has to be the eccentricity I dislike about myself the most. The reason for that is because when I find something I really want, I cannot get my mind off of it, and all of a sudden, barriers I have put up become nothing. Barriers like money, distance, or even time. All of a sudden those factors are of little importance to me. I cannot go on my favorite t-shirt website Threadless because I cannot go on there anymore without purchasing anything, even if I told myself I was only browsing. (I recently fell victim to it, once again.) There has been many more things much more ridiculous than that that I am too embarrassed to even say what they were.

4. I develop other people's habits and mannerisms

This is the most embarrassing one for me. When I spend enough time around certain people, I start to laugh like them, say the same words and phrases they do, and take on their same mannerisms. Many have been creeped out and annoyed by this particular little quirk of mine.

I spent a summer around a couple of people that snorted sometimes when they laughed, and before I had never snorted when I laughed...now I do at times.


5. I have to try new things

This thing isn't necessarily annoying to me about myself all the time...but it can tend to be similar to number 3. I get an insatiable urge to try something new every now and then. I cannot stand monotony. (Which is also why I have a different morning routine every waking day) That's why I got my lip pierced before (and took it out a week later), want to work on a farm someday, and also has been the means to overcoming some past fears... so some good and ridiculousness has come from it. Fortunately this was very beneficial to me when I went to Ecuador, since there were so many different things I was experiencing.

6. I am extremely picky with music

I believe a lot of people, if not most people, are picky with music...but I think I take it to a whole new extent. I seek out new music to listen to every now and then, but I never find anything that's as good as the current music I listen to. The only ways I've discovered other bands or musicians I've liked is when I've sort of had no choice but to listen to it, usually because of friends. I listen to the same bands pretty much every day, which is very limited...usually only to three, with the exception of my solo classical piano compilation I have....the only compilation of piano music I've listened to for as long as I can remember.


7. The cleanliness of my room is in a constant flux

If you were to ask me if I were a neat freak, if I were to be honest, I cannot say I am on either side of the spectrum. To put it simply: If my brain is crowded, so is my room. I can't find the motivation to clean my room unless my mind is clear first, and that means being relieved of stress or whatever is crowding my brain. Once that is accomplished, I can clean everything in great detail and efficiently. This applies to how well I do at work too.

But probably the worst one of all to me is:

8. I can't ever commit to big projects and carry them out.

This is the reason why I will probably never be able to write a book. I've tried in the past, and have never been able to finish these big projects. Unfortunately, I get bored of the idea of them and move on to a more exciting idea to me before I'm able to finish it.


And that's my list, hope you enjoyed. Now I'm going to go back to living my eccentric life...

Life Change.

I feel it's approaching

The days that I will be taken down a wild, unconventional road in this life

I find out in just a couple of weeks whether or not I'm getting accepted into Moody, and I don't want to get my hopes up too high...but I've tried to imagine me not getting accepted, and I can't comprehend it. I also try to imagine myself getting accepted into Moody, and I can't comprehend it either...so whether or not I get in, I'm bound to have my perspective on things change, and possibly the direction of my entire life.

It's been a bit grueling waiting to find out...fighting depression, anxiety and insecurity. I feel once I know, I will be more at peace, whatever it is I do find out.

Chicago has a special place in my heart ever since taking the little trip I did there...and I've always loved the city as well. How grand it would be to live right in the middle of the city....

Oh Ecuador, how I miss you each day

Home sweet home...

I have gotten a couple of chuckles from people when they've said things like, "It's not safe to stay there," or, "You wouldn't want to live in a place like that."
Really, I'd rather live humbly. When I am humbled, there I find the most joy...like when I lived in this house for a week:

I miss it there. I miss the dogs that lived on the roof that barked every time Liz and I went up those stairs on the right...and the little kittens and their mom on the stairs to meet me each morning. I miss the many nights of just talking with our family, sitting and watching TV with them, and the many nice breakfasts we had with them, complete with mora and cheese on toast. I even miss that rooster with an obnoxious crow that would stand right outside our bedroom window.

And of course I could never forget locking our keys in our room and resorting to getting them out with a long tube with wire on the end of it...as well as the "burgular" outside of mine and Liz's room.

So many memories with these people...

The Mission Field

It's been a month today since leaving Ecuador. Already my heart is aching to go back to missions. I'm remembering the words that I was told that I am not to consider either here or there my 'home', because my citizenship is actually in heaven...even though I felt I was at home in Ecuador then I had to leave that home behind. I am becoming more and more detached from this world each day though I believe. I have been minding less and less giving it up because as James says, what am I? I am a mist that briefly appears, then quickly vanishes. If I am going to be a mist, I will be a mist with a fragrant aroma. I'll be a mist that influences other mists. I'll be a mist that furthers the kingdom of God. If I do not, I live in vain and selfishly.

I want to feel that joy again that I felt in this picture. This sweet little girl lives such a different life from those kids in the US. I am blessed to be able to be her little playmate for just a few minutes...

I am looking into Story Runners, who translate the Bible into languages who don't have it, and have "Scripture servants" go to those unreached people who don't have it, and live among them and tell them stories from the Bible. This is what I want to do. Each mission term is two years. So right now, I'm still deciding whether I'm going to go straight into this, or go to college a couple of years. I've been teetering on each decision, but right now if I could, I would choose to go straight into the mission field. I'm praying about it, though.

I realized last night I do feel God is calling me to do this...I do not know for sure, but I was trying to picture myself leaving all of this behind, namely my life here in the United States. Also all my friends and my family. I realized I might come back and realize how much I've missed. Many things can happen in that amount of time. What if I come home to find that any of my siblings or my friends got married? What if someone I know dies, or comes down with a bad illness?

I know that I'll come back to find that everyone has been going on with life without me, then I will have to try to fit back in again somehow. I realize these things, but I also know that I wouldn't rather do anything else with my life. I have such a privilege to do something like this, and so I hope it does work out. Still, I can't help writing this without a heavy heart.....

Until later

April

Saying farewell never seemed so easy

Not too long from now, I'm going to be traveling abroad, serving my purpose.

I can't stand the way I'm living now. I need to be out there, doing what I'm called to do.

I guess I'm still in preparation. I can hardly stand it though.

I am willing to put whatever and whoever I need to put behind me. This world is vile, and its dragging me down.