Yesterday, I discovered that I will be taking the biggest step of faith I've probably ever taken in life with going into this first semester of school.
I have not taken out a loan, and practically drained my bank account.
I didn't expect things were going to happen this way, and it was a bit hard for me to accept that this is what God wanted me to do, because I was so anxious about it....but I know this is what He wants.
Before, I felt I had so much to fall back on, and as a result, I was reckless with my money. I should have had a lot more saved up than I did.
But I have committed my life to following God's will for my life where ever He takes me. In whatever time, place, or circumstance, I am trusting He will bring me through it.
I can officially say I am poor....but through that, I will be made so much richer.
I am leaving behind my job that I was so secure in, and I always had bonuses thrown at me that I didn't expect...but because of that, I did not deal with my money wisely.
Though it was a daunting thing to me at first, now I realize that this is going to be such a blessing for me in my life. I will learn more about dealing with my money through these circumstances than I probably ever would in any financial class. God has given me an opportunity to put my trust in Him...and He's going to work through this circumstance of mine for my spiritual growth. In that, I am grateful.
I echo the two words I've been hearing all week at VBS....."Trust God!"
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Two Weeks
I leave for school in two weeks...and it has proved to be more of a painful thing than I imagined.
When I left for Ecuador, it was the longest I had been away from home (Ten weeks), but I was excited and anxious more than anything. I knew that God was sending me on a life-changing adventure, and that was so exciting to me.
That doesn't even compare to leaving this fall though. I stopped counting down the days a couple of days ago...but today people reminded me I had two weeks left. I feel like a huge part of my life is being removed from me. Everything and everyone I grew up with, and everything I've made of my life here in Kansas.
I've always been more excited than anything when I've felt God was sending me somewhere. I know God is sending me to Moody Bible Institute. I remember being in anticipation of my acceptance letter, and feeling like I wasn't going to be accepted. I cried out to God from the depths of my soul, "Why wouldn't you send me there Lord!? I want to go so that I can serve You! Why wouldn't you want me to serve you??" And when I got that acceptance letter, I had so much joy well up in me that I couldn't express.
I didn't know that two weeks from my departure to Washington, I would feel such incredibly deep sorrow. I feel like everything around me the past nineteen years is coming to an end, and that I'm going to go and live a totally different life.
Oh Lord...God. I am going to Moody in order to serve You. Comfort me and be with me at this time. Lord, help me to know my home is not in Kansas or in Spokane...but it is where I will be with You to serve You for eternity...
When I left for Ecuador, it was the longest I had been away from home (Ten weeks), but I was excited and anxious more than anything. I knew that God was sending me on a life-changing adventure, and that was so exciting to me.
That doesn't even compare to leaving this fall though. I stopped counting down the days a couple of days ago...but today people reminded me I had two weeks left. I feel like a huge part of my life is being removed from me. Everything and everyone I grew up with, and everything I've made of my life here in Kansas.
I've always been more excited than anything when I've felt God was sending me somewhere. I know God is sending me to Moody Bible Institute. I remember being in anticipation of my acceptance letter, and feeling like I wasn't going to be accepted. I cried out to God from the depths of my soul, "Why wouldn't you send me there Lord!? I want to go so that I can serve You! Why wouldn't you want me to serve you??" And when I got that acceptance letter, I had so much joy well up in me that I couldn't express.
I didn't know that two weeks from my departure to Washington, I would feel such incredibly deep sorrow. I feel like everything around me the past nineteen years is coming to an end, and that I'm going to go and live a totally different life.
Oh Lord...God. I am going to Moody in order to serve You. Comfort me and be with me at this time. Lord, help me to know my home is not in Kansas or in Spokane...but it is where I will be with You to serve You for eternity...
Wednesday, July 4, 2012
Oh, it's magic!
The 4th of July has brought back memories from my childhood. It's one of those days of the year that I look back on, and see how gradually I've seemed to anticipate it less and less. Sometimes I am sad about this reality, but if I look deeper at why this is, I don't mind it as much.
As a kid I remember my siblings and I being so excited to shoot off fire crackers. To blow up some of our toys, and be daring pyro's with the fire crackers (Which led to them exploding in our hands sometimes). We would whine at the fact that it wasn't legal to shoot them off until the 3rd of July, and when the 3rd finally came, we got up early in the morning in anticipation, and waited for our parents to tell us when we could go ahead and go outside to shoot off our firecrackers.
I remembering being so excited for night time to come on the 4th of July, where I would stare at the sky in absolute awe. We had fun little traditions, like shooting out the street light with roman candles. I would get so excited when it came to my turn to light off one of the big fireworks.
Things like fireworks were so magical to me as a kid...and they enticed me. I think it's because I didn't understand how lighting a fuze could produce so many different outcomes. Not understanding them added to the wonder of them.
As I started to get older, the butterflies I would feel in my stomach that made me so excited became something that would make me feel sick, so I always tried to keep my mind off of things so as not to get so excited about them that it would make me sick. Also, at times when I was so excited for something, and it didn't end up getting fulfilled, I would get severely disappointed.
Over the years, I believe I've been gaining more joy from experiences in my life rather than mere happiness. Fireworks make me happy. Maybe not to the same extent as they did when I was a kid, but I believe it's because my passions and desires have been rooted deeper into things more meaningful. Things that I have gotten so excited and upset over as a child I have enjoyed (though not nearly as much as I use to) without much disappointment.
My passions have shifted onto more meaningful things that bring me great joy that overflows. They are joys I wasn't able to feel as a child. I look upon the Cross in awe and wonder I had as a child, but also with joy. The work of Christ on Calvary isn't something we can fully grasp (like we can grasp the concept of fireworks)...but that's what adds to the wonder of it.
I thank my Lord for the times I can look back on my childhood, and all the wonderful memories of excitement towards things like the 4th of July. I use to look back on it and wish I could go back to the same perspective I had as a kid, until I realize that I am in the same kind of awe and wonder of the things of Christ that aren't mere magical feelings...but also has it's roots in joy and in love.
As a kid I remember my siblings and I being so excited to shoot off fire crackers. To blow up some of our toys, and be daring pyro's with the fire crackers (Which led to them exploding in our hands sometimes). We would whine at the fact that it wasn't legal to shoot them off until the 3rd of July, and when the 3rd finally came, we got up early in the morning in anticipation, and waited for our parents to tell us when we could go ahead and go outside to shoot off our firecrackers.
I remembering being so excited for night time to come on the 4th of July, where I would stare at the sky in absolute awe. We had fun little traditions, like shooting out the street light with roman candles. I would get so excited when it came to my turn to light off one of the big fireworks.
Things like fireworks were so magical to me as a kid...and they enticed me. I think it's because I didn't understand how lighting a fuze could produce so many different outcomes. Not understanding them added to the wonder of them.
As I started to get older, the butterflies I would feel in my stomach that made me so excited became something that would make me feel sick, so I always tried to keep my mind off of things so as not to get so excited about them that it would make me sick. Also, at times when I was so excited for something, and it didn't end up getting fulfilled, I would get severely disappointed.
Over the years, I believe I've been gaining more joy from experiences in my life rather than mere happiness. Fireworks make me happy. Maybe not to the same extent as they did when I was a kid, but I believe it's because my passions and desires have been rooted deeper into things more meaningful. Things that I have gotten so excited and upset over as a child I have enjoyed (though not nearly as much as I use to) without much disappointment.
My passions have shifted onto more meaningful things that bring me great joy that overflows. They are joys I wasn't able to feel as a child. I look upon the Cross in awe and wonder I had as a child, but also with joy. The work of Christ on Calvary isn't something we can fully grasp (like we can grasp the concept of fireworks)...but that's what adds to the wonder of it.
I thank my Lord for the times I can look back on my childhood, and all the wonderful memories of excitement towards things like the 4th of July. I use to look back on it and wish I could go back to the same perspective I had as a kid, until I realize that I am in the same kind of awe and wonder of the things of Christ that aren't mere magical feelings...but also has it's roots in joy and in love.
Wednesday, June 20, 2012
My Calling
When I was a kid, I remember one of the first times I heard about missionaries, and some of the things they do. I remember trying to imagine myself submitting my life to full time service to God. It seemed like there was so much to sacrifice. I remember feeling so daunted just considering doing such a thing.
It wasn't until I went on a mission trip to Chile in 2007 that I felt God starting to call me to missions. I started to realize just how ignorant I was in thinking I would be making a huge sacrifice to become a missionary.
That was the first time I had lived in humble circumstances...there in Chile.
It was winter time, and I only got three showers the whole trip (The trip was ten days long) and only one of them were hot showers; I slept on an inflatable pool mattress on a cold, concrete floor, and I was cold every night; I never felt like I got enough sleep, and it seemed like every day we woke up earlier and earlier; I was sick almost constantly each day; and I felt alone, and even neglected by others in my youth group.
Through all the hard things I was going through, God was starting to reveal to me His calling for my life, and the joys of being in missions.
I remember making great friends with some of the Chilean's, and one of them didn't speak any english...neither did I speak any Spanish. We still became great friends. Through our body language, we knew what each other was saying.
Me and the kids in my youth group were able to make awesome friendships within their church.
Also, we were able to see beautiful, breath-taking sights of Chile that were so beautiful to behold.
But the biggest blessing I received was that I heard from God about what He was calling me to in my life.
There was a night where our youth pastor was telling each of us to ask God what He wants us to do in our lives for our service to Him.
The next day, we were picked up by our bus that took us to our work site. I was shivering in my seat, and studied the fog collected on the window from my breath.
That was the scene where I first received my calling. For a while I tried to discard what happened to me on that bus, but each year that has gone by after it has furthered my desire for missions, and has become a great burden on my heart.
I am also realizing more and more how incredibly blessed I am with this calling. What could be more fulfilling than being apart of God's plan to seek the lost sheep and bring them to Him!? And how could I think it such a huge sacrifice to pursue this calling, when there is so much more to gain, that what I would "lose" seems so insignificant in comparison? Oh dear Lord! How greatly blessed I am that You've placed in me this desire! There is no way to explain this yearning in my heart outside of what God has done in my heart.
In light of all this, how comforting it is to me that God has verses that are specifically for me, and anyone else with a similar calling.
"And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or lands, for my name's sake, will receive a hundredfold and will inherit eternal life."
Matthew 19:29
To anyone who is starting to pursue their passion for missions, or is considering it: I am so thankful for this calling, but I've already received a bit of flak for pursuing a degree that is not of any worth in the eyes of the world. Know that that's one of the things to expect....but that's one of the ways we know that it's God's will for our lives, so be encouraged rather than discouraged!
Thank you for this calling, dear Lord!
It wasn't until I went on a mission trip to Chile in 2007 that I felt God starting to call me to missions. I started to realize just how ignorant I was in thinking I would be making a huge sacrifice to become a missionary.
That was the first time I had lived in humble circumstances...there in Chile.
It was winter time, and I only got three showers the whole trip (The trip was ten days long) and only one of them were hot showers; I slept on an inflatable pool mattress on a cold, concrete floor, and I was cold every night; I never felt like I got enough sleep, and it seemed like every day we woke up earlier and earlier; I was sick almost constantly each day; and I felt alone, and even neglected by others in my youth group.
Through all the hard things I was going through, God was starting to reveal to me His calling for my life, and the joys of being in missions.
I remember making great friends with some of the Chilean's, and one of them didn't speak any english...neither did I speak any Spanish. We still became great friends. Through our body language, we knew what each other was saying.
Me and the kids in my youth group were able to make awesome friendships within their church.
Also, we were able to see beautiful, breath-taking sights of Chile that were so beautiful to behold.
But the biggest blessing I received was that I heard from God about what He was calling me to in my life.
There was a night where our youth pastor was telling each of us to ask God what He wants us to do in our lives for our service to Him.
The next day, we were picked up by our bus that took us to our work site. I was shivering in my seat, and studied the fog collected on the window from my breath.
That was the scene where I first received my calling. For a while I tried to discard what happened to me on that bus, but each year that has gone by after it has furthered my desire for missions, and has become a great burden on my heart.
I am also realizing more and more how incredibly blessed I am with this calling. What could be more fulfilling than being apart of God's plan to seek the lost sheep and bring them to Him!? And how could I think it such a huge sacrifice to pursue this calling, when there is so much more to gain, that what I would "lose" seems so insignificant in comparison? Oh dear Lord! How greatly blessed I am that You've placed in me this desire! There is no way to explain this yearning in my heart outside of what God has done in my heart.
In light of all this, how comforting it is to me that God has verses that are specifically for me, and anyone else with a similar calling.
"And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or lands, for my name's sake, will receive a hundredfold and will inherit eternal life."
Matthew 19:29
To anyone who is starting to pursue their passion for missions, or is considering it: I am so thankful for this calling, but I've already received a bit of flak for pursuing a degree that is not of any worth in the eyes of the world. Know that that's one of the things to expect....but that's one of the ways we know that it's God's will for our lives, so be encouraged rather than discouraged!
Thank you for this calling, dear Lord!
The bus where it all began
Sunday, June 17, 2012
"What is Foolish in the World"
The chapters of my life have been unfolding into a wonderful story.
It has been like a book, that I've come to read in the middle of it...not picking up the context it's in, and none of the unfolding events were making much sense to me. Gradually I've been able to flip back some pages, and those first pages have brought to light some of what I've already read....they've given me some "Aha!" moments.
There are so many things that could come of some of the later pages, but what I've read already has kept getting more and more exciting.
Never would I have thought to be at the place in life I am now, years ago as a depressed, lonely, self-loathing, suicidal, filthy-mouthed rebel.
It is to the point that if anyone were to get a true look of my life, they couldn't deny God was the one who brought me through each situation, and is continuing to work His will in my life in every area.
How undeserving I am of this!
For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God.
1 Corinthians 1:26-29
It has been like a book, that I've come to read in the middle of it...not picking up the context it's in, and none of the unfolding events were making much sense to me. Gradually I've been able to flip back some pages, and those first pages have brought to light some of what I've already read....they've given me some "Aha!" moments.
There are so many things that could come of some of the later pages, but what I've read already has kept getting more and more exciting.
Never would I have thought to be at the place in life I am now, years ago as a depressed, lonely, self-loathing, suicidal, filthy-mouthed rebel.
It is to the point that if anyone were to get a true look of my life, they couldn't deny God was the one who brought me through each situation, and is continuing to work His will in my life in every area.
How undeserving I am of this!
For consider your calling, brothers: not many of you were wise according to worldly standards, not many were powerful, not many were of noble birth. But God chose what is foolish in the world to shame the wise; God chose what is weak in the world to shame the strong; God chose what is low and despised in the world, even things that are not, to bring to nothing things that are, so that no human being might boast in the presence of God.
1 Corinthians 1:26-29
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Spiritual Blessings
Today I am remembering Romans 8:28:
"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. "
This verse brings me comfort in many different areas in my life, but especially with everything that's going on now...
From finances, to a wandering friend, to thinking about leaving behind those I love dearly this fall...
When this happens, I think the greatest way to put myself at peace is to look on my past, and how each time a situation has come up that I've worried about, God has provided for me...Never once has He let me down in any way.
In fact, each kind of trial that I've faced, I've always come out of it more humble, grateful, blessed, learned, and dependent on Christ. There is never a need for me to worry for this reason, but there is always a need for me to put it in God's hands, and trust Him to work through my troubles.
I am so thankful for all the spiritual blessings He's given me recently:
Patience
Peace
Joy
A yearning to learn more
and knowledge of His Word to delight in.
Thank you Lord for these things. Help me not to take my days for granted that You have blessed me with. Work your will through me, make me clean, and place in my heart the desires of Your heart. Amen.
"And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. "
This verse brings me comfort in many different areas in my life, but especially with everything that's going on now...
From finances, to a wandering friend, to thinking about leaving behind those I love dearly this fall...
When this happens, I think the greatest way to put myself at peace is to look on my past, and how each time a situation has come up that I've worried about, God has provided for me...Never once has He let me down in any way.
In fact, each kind of trial that I've faced, I've always come out of it more humble, grateful, blessed, learned, and dependent on Christ. There is never a need for me to worry for this reason, but there is always a need for me to put it in God's hands, and trust Him to work through my troubles.
I am so thankful for all the spiritual blessings He's given me recently:
Patience
Peace
Joy
A yearning to learn more
and knowledge of His Word to delight in.
Thank you Lord for these things. Help me not to take my days for granted that You have blessed me with. Work your will through me, make me clean, and place in my heart the desires of Your heart. Amen.
Friday, June 1, 2012
Culture Shocked
Yesterday I was able to tap a bit into the way I felt whenever I came back from Ecuador
A friend of mine came into my work, and he just got back from being in the Philippines for two months. He looked even skinnier than usual, and had a sort of ruggedness air to him that I could tell he had been in another country for a while. I was able to feel once again for a few moments that it was one of the days I had just got back from Ecuador, and for a few moments, my workplace and the world around me seemed foreign to me.
He was telling me some of the differences that he experienced with being in their culture, such as how much more relationship-oriented they are.
He lived among poor families like I did. I will never forget him telling me, "They have a better life than I do."
I can really relate to that feeling....living in a house that most in the US would look at and consider to be poor, but it doesn't take you long to realize how very rich they are. The joy I've experienced in that kind of situation and being around those people is more than I've ever experienced where I live now.
This is a huge thing that has grown me in my desire for missions. Being in such a close-knit community of believers who don't have much materially, but the fact that they are are so richly blessed spiritually more than compensates for that.
It's something you can never fully understand unless you end up in that situation. And how blessed you are if you happen to get the opportunity to.
Thank you Lord for the couple of moments I was able to feel that way again yesterday.
A friend of mine came into my work, and he just got back from being in the Philippines for two months. He looked even skinnier than usual, and had a sort of ruggedness air to him that I could tell he had been in another country for a while. I was able to feel once again for a few moments that it was one of the days I had just got back from Ecuador, and for a few moments, my workplace and the world around me seemed foreign to me.
He was telling me some of the differences that he experienced with being in their culture, such as how much more relationship-oriented they are.
He lived among poor families like I did. I will never forget him telling me, "They have a better life than I do."
I can really relate to that feeling....living in a house that most in the US would look at and consider to be poor, but it doesn't take you long to realize how very rich they are. The joy I've experienced in that kind of situation and being around those people is more than I've ever experienced where I live now.
This is a huge thing that has grown me in my desire for missions. Being in such a close-knit community of believers who don't have much materially, but the fact that they are are so richly blessed spiritually more than compensates for that.
It's something you can never fully understand unless you end up in that situation. And how blessed you are if you happen to get the opportunity to.
Thank you Lord for the couple of moments I was able to feel that way again yesterday.
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